I stupidly travel to work between 8:30 and 9:00 every day, and really the amount of stupid people doing stupid things when they commute is astounding.

Here’s a list of what I’ve noticed are the absolute best ways to be a jerk on the subway.

  1. When getting onto the packed train, make sure you stand right in the door and don’t push back at all, because that might allow someone else to be able to get on. Make sure that you don’t check for space behind you because there might actually be enough room for you to move back without pushing anyone!
  2. When on a packed train, make sure you’re reading a large newspaper or book that you can jam into the back of the person in front of you.
  3. When getting off the train, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN in a completely unpredictable fashion, so that people going the other way will have to continually stop so as not to coathanger you.
  4. When getting off with a million others, make sure you take up the ENTIRE platform when walking to the stairs/escalators. Especially do not stay to the right, as people getting OFF the escalators do not need to continue onto the platform. You should walk directly into them, preferably giving them bruises. Remember, you’re not trying hard enough if there isn’t 10 of you abreast on the platform!
  5. And don’t forget to run! Run everywhere! Even if you’re not late! Just run! That way people will have to be inconvenienced because of your lateness.
  6. When you need to get onto the train, don’t bother waiting for everyone to get off first. The doors open and close within 2 seconds so you really don’t have time to make sure that everyone is safely off first.
  7. If you are standing at the door of the carriage, don’t get off to allow people behind you to get off. You should stand directly in their path and give anyone who has to push you aside to leave the train filthy looks.
  8. Don’t have the right ticket for the journey you’re making. Its really much easier to just try your ticket and if it beeps at you and holds up the 10 people behind you causing stepped on feet.

Oh, bitter am I.